Back to the Day I Dumped My Arsonist Wife

My wife, Ashley Miller, skipped out on our anniversary to go to her ex's bachelor party. Can you believe that?

She stumbled back in around 3 AM, saw me asleep, and decided to douse her ripped fishnet stockings in gasoline and set our damn house on fire. Seriously?!

"If I hadn't said yes to your proposal, I'd be marrying Chad tomorrow!" she screamed. "I regret ever being with you!"

I could barely breathe, and all I could smell was some other guy's cologne all over her. That's when it hit me—she'd been cheating on me for years. And I was just a total chump, left with absolutely nothing.

Then I woke up—back to the day I was supposed to ask Ashley out. This time, I tossed all those sappy love letters and focused on one thing: becoming a better version of myself.

Ten years later, I'm still a washed-up actor going nowhere, while Ashley and her golden boy, Chad, are Hollywood A-listers.

On some reality TV show, she keeps taking shots at me. But the second she sees the Oscar-winning actress I'm dating climb into my lap, she completely loses it.

"Ethan, didn't you say I was the only woman you'd ever love, in any lifetime?" she whined.

After being cooped up at home for six months, my wife, Sarah, got tired of me just lying around, so she randomly signed me up for a reality show gig.

I don't get it. I'm basically a nobody—why would they want me on a show like that, except as filler?

I was hanging back in a corner, trying to stay off-camera, when I spotted Ashley and her husband, Chad Johnson.

"The director didn't mention this. Are they special guests or something?" I muttered under my breath.

Ashley was decked out in a flawless designer gown, and the rock on her finger was practically blinding.

"Ashley and Chad are, like, Hollywood's perfect couple. They even do reality TV together!"

"It's so great how Chad respects Ashley. I remember there was that one movie with some risqué scenes, but Ashley said it would help her career, and Chad was totally cool with it."

"Hey, what about that simp who used to chase after Ashley? The guy even wrote her songs!"

"Probably saw Chad was about to blow up and backed off. Besides, Ashley's not some newbie anymore."

When they brought up my name, Ashley's smile tightened and she looked seriously uncomfortable. But she bounced back fast.

One of the guests didn't take the hint and kept going.

"He was really into her—writing all those love letters and everything."

"Back then, he was running around trying to get Ashley roles, doing all kinds of stuff."

Ashley noticed Chad starting to scowl, so she quickly changed the subject.

"I'm married to Chad now, why are you digging up old history? Besides, I never asked him to do any of that. He did it all on his own."

Chad's expression relaxed, and he said with a smile, "Everyone makes mistakes when they're young. We're really happy now, so let's just leave the past behind!"

I just rolled my eyes.

Seriously, they're still talking about this ancient history? If this makes it on air, my wife is gonna lose it.

I cleared my throat and said, "Actually, there wasn't really anything between her and—"